Couple of days back I entered the pristine age of 45. I think it would be more or less close to twenty seven more years before the accumulated karmas, will reset back to zero and initiate a fresh start. I am working out to balance the karmas and see if the fresh start can be halted, but currently my velocity of reducing the accumulation is not good enough.
Well, a complicated beginning. Ignore it.
A birthday is a good day to reflect.
I have this nasty habit. Whenever I start reflecting, I fall asleep and it was no different at the beginning of the forty fifth year as well. In the pretext of reflecting, I had a nice morning nap. After that saw some missed calls and messages. Returned all of them.
I kept score on who wished me and it tallied ok. Out of all the people who wish, I just generally keep a count of people, who are beyond the obligatory circle of Quid pro Quid wishing. Funny habit, you might say. But I keep that count as an indication of my usefulness beyond the obligatory circle. If someone who has no use for me, takes time to wish me, then I pat my back say and ‘Hey man, you are not all that bad’
Talk about a life of ‘No expectations’ which I preach. It makes for good philosophy.
Now coming back to the reflection paralysis, how do I summarize my 44 even years ?
I would say ‘No Regrets’.
You know I am lying and that statement is pretty clichéd.
I could term it as an epic of regrets.
Then also I would be lying.
My grandmother said while I was in the 12th standard, I will give you one thousand rupees from my pension if you get 1000 marks out of 1200.
Guess my score.
She gave me that one thousand rupees though.
Did I regret ? Yes and No.
Yes – Because I fell short of the required target by one mark
No – Because I got that one thousand rupees in any case
I could easily recall one hundred such incidents for regrets, but I guess I have to come to accept life as ‘What is life, if there are no regrets ?’ .
It becomes mechanical.
There shall be regrets.
But like in any aspect of life, I have become a witness to the regret , rather than succumbing to it.
Do we all not know ?
This too shall pass.
So where does that leave me after 44 years.
I think I am someone who will pass as the exact mean(Zero Standard Deviation) in a normal distribution or the exact centre in the famously infamous bell curve.
I am fine with that.
Where do you fit in the bell curve ?
Enjoy Maadi (Have Fun)